The Action vs. The Quiet

It is 10:00 p.m. and the baby is sleeping, the kids are snoring, the cat is lying on the floor watching me, and I am sitting in front of this white screen. It amazes me how different things appear when you are not in the middle of The Action. Right now, in The Quiet, I am peaceful and relaxed. Everything around me makes me feel grateful- the sweet dark eyelashes of my little girls fluttering on their cheekbones, the twitching and arm flailing and murmured sleep talking of my boys, even the sound of the air conditioning running is peaceful! I can step out of this moment, and look at it and think to myself just how darn lucky I am for these kids, for this house, for this life. the thing is though, I am not in the middle of The Action.

The Action is another story altogether. It is a time where there is NOISE and MOTION and CHAOS! The Action is the time when the baby is squalling- for no apparent reason- the boys are screaming at one another, and there is some loud thumping coming from their room that sounds suspiciously like a wrestling match, my daughter has just slammed her door at me because she didn't like the chore I have assigned her, and the cat has somehow gotten locked in a hall closet.... The Action. The time when my brain feels like it is on fire. My heart has palpitations similar to a an angry canary beating itself against its cage. My voice isn't pleasant, no, in fact I sound as though I have been possessed as I scream and cry out for the peace... that only seems to come after bedtime.

Yes, my life is a contradiction. I have a split personality life. But all I want is to find that middle ground! I know there must be some way to do it, some way to find peace during The Action, to find the appreciation that I can only feel later, when it is calm. And perhaps I will find it some day. I am working on it. I take solace in the fact that I know that God gave me this life for a reason. Somehow, my all-knowing God thought knew I could handle it. So because of my faith in Him, I will continue to live my two lives until some day they converge into one. A life that will have Quiet, and Action, but will mostly be Peace.