Sometimes in the middle of all of my chaos, with children and cats running rampant in my house, with a baby kicking me in the bladder, and bills stacking up, with dirty dishes in the sink, and a laundry pile that never ceases, I wonder what happened to my life- but then I realize- this IS my life.
It seems that somehow I have built a life! And I look over it and wonder when was the pivotal moment? What moment became the future that is now the present? I am 26 years old, and I am on my second marriage, I have two children biologically, one on the way, and one through marriage. I also have my associates degree, drive a minivan, and have gone from job hopping to being very happy in a position, and then on to no job and homeschooling while pregnant. We own a house in one state, and rent one in another. So looking at my life, I can see things both enviable and less than stunning comparatively.
I mean, I see a lot of women my age who have worked very hard, and are in nice positions somewhere with fancy degrees and impressive paychecks. I see women who are newlyweds, that waited for love and marriage with their dream men, and did not pick the first one that came along. I know many women who are just now having children, and are thrilled to be mommies for the first time- husbands building houses for them, and them both lovingly decorating nurseries. And I have to say that when I look at that, sometimes I am filled with envy. I wonder- have I done it all wrong?
Compared to these budding and glamorous lives, my life consists of worrying over bills, wanting to finish my education, but not being able to foot it financially. It consists of getting up daily to screeching children, preparing lessons and teaching and disciplining young minds, cooking dinner (and washing last nights dishes just to do so), trying to scramble to get the kids to doctors appointments, and making sure they are taking baths regularly, , and yelling at my husband to take out the garbage. I don't have time for me- but I make time to escape reality by trying to read when it is quiet.
The question is, am I really living that far off base? Are everyone else's perfect lives really as glowing and sparkly as they seem?
In my every day life, I have rewards. My children love me. My son comes in every morning to snuggle with me as soon as he gets up. My daughter delights in drawing me pictures and writing me letters, sweet little "I love you mom"'s and "you are the best parent"'s. My husband (God love him) makes brinner for the family on occasion, and flirts with me relentlessly, proving that I am still a catch at probably 50lbs heavier than when we met. My life can have its glorious moments, and I still dream of perfectly disciplined angels and a doting husband and a dream home and one day, a sweet little nursery all decked out for a bouncing baby. I know that if my life had gone any other way, I may have had all of those things, but somehow, something would be missing. I think that the challenges are what make up a life. If you have a silver spoon, any little change in life that could not be bought away, would be devastational. I thank God for runny nosed children and a distracted husband, and cats that occasionally (well, more often than not) claw the furniture, and a dysfunctional extended family. Anything else would be just plain boring.
No comments:
Post a Comment